Frustrated by the performance of the 20-some odd Democrat candidates in their first round of debates, Satan has decided to throw his hat, err, horns into the ring and seek the 2020 Democrat nomination for President of the United States.
He’s granted his first interview to this publication, the Washington Possessed. The transcript appears below, and we’re sure that you’ll find it informative.
Question: Satan, the obvious first question is: what made you decide to run?
Satan: Well, as you know, normally I prefer to operate through stealth and deception; luring souls to do my bidding through temptation and, well, let’s just get it out there, capitalizing on their own stupidity and greed.
After all, if I were open about “yes, I really exist” and “yes, my intention is to have your soul condemned to the eternal fires of Hell,” my soul-yield to date would have been negligible.
But now, thanks to those knucklehead Democrats my hand is being forced; I must give-in to a long-held temptation that I’d resisted until now – that is, to “come out of the closet,” so to speak.
Question: Could you elaborate?
When Donald Trump was running against Hillary, my followers and I were absolutely convinced that we had it in the bag. Yes, there were prayer groups across the country praying for a miracle, for a Trump victory – but since I don’t believe in the power of prayer, I just knew that the efforts of those silly “Deplorables” would be for naught. Well, they really did get their miracle. So yes, I have to admit that even I didn’t see Trump’s victory coming – heaven really got one over on me with that one!
In hindsight, I guess our great victory in deceiving the American people to elect Barack Hussein Obama – twice! – led us into the temptation of becoming simultaneously cocky and complacent.
So for those of us on the dark side, recovering lost ground is critical; if Trump wins again in 2020 and secures the border and appoints more Constitutionally-loyal Supreme Court justices and cements an economy that works for the middle-class, our cause will be set back for decades, if not longer.
Question: I see. But why you, and not one of your many human followers who have already declared their candidacies to become the Democrat nominee for President?
Satan: [Sighs.] Well, as CEO – Chief Evil Officer – of this enterprise, I understand the value of delegating tasks. And while some of my followers openly worship me, most are unwitting dupes that have been led to believe that they’re actually “doing good,” even as they advance the forces of darkness. Their “social justice” is my “stopping Jesus.”
Though many of my followers have high IQ’s and have graduated from Ivy League colleges, they’re still idiots. While this makes accomplishing evil ends through delegation more complicated, they’re still very useful to me. Which, of course, explains the origin of the phrase “useful idiots.”
But when you employ useful idiots they’re going to sometimes, well, do somereally idiotic things. Unfortunately, that’s been the hallmark of this coven of 2020 Democrat candidates. Let me give you some examples:
Openly advocating for open borders and mass amnesty followed by mass “pathways to citizenship” is idiotic.
Openly advocating free health care for illegal aliens at a nationally televised Democrat debate is idiotic.
Openly advocating destroying jobs and America’s prosperity, and decimating standards of living through a “Green New Deal” is idiotic.
Openly advocating for stripping Americans of their Second Amendment rights is idiotic.
Openly advocating for abortion up to the moment of birth – and even after birth – is idiotic.
While I support all that and more, to be open about it is beyond idiotic, it’s crazy. Average Americans from coast-to-coast are now realizing that those Progressive candidates are not only nuts, but also that electing any one of those Democrat candidates will destroy America. The very opposite of “Make America Great Again.”
So the 2020 campaign is already on the trajectory that many Americans, perhaps even a plurality, are going to accurately conclude that Democrats are evil people pursuing an evil agenda. So itʼll become a referendum – a “binary choice” – between Donald Trump and America’s “Divinely Inspired” founding, and out-of-the-closet evil.
Given that, my side is now compelled to bring out our biggest gun: me and my extraordinary talent for deception and enticement through temptation.
Question: I see. But isn’t it risky for you to come out in the open as the candidate for the Democrat Party’s nomination?
Satan: Look, this country has been a thorn in my side since the beginning; ever since what you call “the Founding Fathers” wrote: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator …”
Every time I hear those words, and phrases like “one nation, under God,” I want gag, and then stick a pitchfork right through The Declaration of Independence. In fact, your country is second only to Israel on my Satanic sh** list.
Look, I’ve been on this a long time. After decades of Progressivism and Cultural Marxism and “separation of church and state” – and two terms of Barack Obama – we were finally on the cusp of irreversibly usurping this so-called “Divinely Inspired” country!
Trump’s election upended that. That’s caused my useful idiots to panic, and in their panic they’ve started to show America what’s really behind our curtain. So now there’s no turning back; sometimes you just have to throw the dice and hope you don’t come up snake eyes (though I do have a soft-spot for things snake-related, if you get my drift).
Question: But do you really believe that an openly evil candidate can get elected President in this country?
Satan: Sure. I’ve got a great shot at winning. The Democrat base will vote for me; they’ve been a solid Satanic voting bloc for some time.
Oh, by the way, I’m pondering rebranding the party and changing its name to “The Demonic Party.” Kind of catchy, don’t you think? In fact, I’ve already had a modified Democrat Party logo made up:
I really like it! And it’ll appeal to “Bernie” supporters. But I digress …
Speaking of voting blocs, have you listened to Alexandra Ocasio Cortez? My academics and media have succeeded in creating an entire generation of useful idiots; enthusiastic ones at that.
They’re so idiotic that they actually believe that they’re smart and enlightened and fighting for a historically inevitable victory over the retrograde forces of the “Deplorables.” I mean – while I’d never admit it to them – but really, how stupid can they be? Well, stupid enough to vote for me, en masse, and then feel self-righteous about it!
Plus, the news media, and Silicon Valley’s social media will be behind me, 100%. Already are; have been for years. [Interviewer nods approvingly.]
Also, we’ll offer the illegal aliens amnesty and citizenship in the here and now – and it won’t occur to them that we won’t be offering them amnesty from eternal damnation. So they’ll vote Democrat. Put America on a pathway to Hell? Sí se puede!
And for the ultimate blow, I’ll be promising “free stuff.” Lots and lots and lots of “free stuff!” Medical care, college tuition, food, housing, hair transplants, breast implants – you name it. Whatever it takes.
You can label that “fraud” or “social justice” or “Democratic Socialism” or whatever you want. Doesn’t matter. I’ve learned over the millennia that fostering “coveting thy neighbors’ goods” is one of the most effective ways of seducing souls. In fact, that’s why I ghost wrote “The Communist Manifesto” for Karl Marx.
So you can be sure that in some form or another, I will be the Democrat candidate for President of the United States of America. Even if I don’t get the Party’s nomination, my platform is the Democrat Party’s platform.
Question: I see. One final question: is your campaign going to have a theme song?
Satan: Why yes, as a matter of fact. As you know, Donald Trump has been using The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – which is a song I’ve always hated, because in a way its title alone tells the listener to reject greed and temptation.
For our campaign, we’re going to use The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil.” One of my all-time faves!
Question: Well, thank you for your time; and especially for the first time being so open concerning your ultimate plans and objectives.
Satan: You’re welcome. Oh, and I’ve noted that you’re with the mainstream media. So I’ll see you again – in Hell.
Mr. Wigand is the author of the book Communiqués From the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (available on Amazon in both print and Kindle versions).