By: Brent Parrish
The Right Planet
Blame Bush … because we are Democrats! And we are as pure as the wind-driven snow. That’s why we are never wrong. We, the liberal Democrats, can’t be wrong, because we are liberal Democrats. Of course, it’s Bush’s fault. Who else’s fault would it be? Not George Bush?
Only those who are not liberals can be fascists or racists … like George Bush … or you, if you’re not a progressive liberal. If you are reading this, and you don’t agree, you are racist or fascist, possibly both, and maybe worse. This has been confirmed by British researchers. Everybody knows that.
Well, that’s what we want you to think, anyway. See, we, the Marxists, can’t stand it when things don’t go our way. We demand they do. We will say or do anything to stay in power. We are willing to enage in any immoral or illegal act, if it furthers the cause. Nothing is beneath us. We will never speak against our dear leader! Treason! Blasphemy! Outrage! We don’t care if the Supreme Leader chokes your firstborn live on air. The ends justify the means! All must be sacrificed for the cause! The struggle! Hoorah!
We will mock you. We will marginalize you. We will minimize you. We will ridicule you. We will dismiss you. We will attack you. We will slander you. We will even throw water balloons and slushies at you … just depends on how much Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh pissed us off that day.
Because racism. Because fascism. Because sexism. Because gender normative oppression-ism (aka cisgenderism). Because white-ism. Because Texas.
We, the socialists, laugh at you wingnuts who are enraged over all of our lies and prevarications. We never stop lying! We never stop prevaricating! We never stop denying!
Because it works! Quite well, mind you. Stupid sheeple!
You must understand, we, the communitarians, are going to change the world!
YES WE CAN!
Haven’t you heard? This is why we need change. Yes, we have decided to do this in order to protect you from yourself; and to protect the earth from stupid old white men and the Koch Brothers. Thank you, George Soros!
We, the socialists, are experts and behavioral scientists and social engineers. We are the only ones qualified to administer and run the necessary governmental bureaucracies and front groups necessary to save you from yourself. (Put that down, by the way.)
This is necessary for hope and change, and androgyny. When you oppose our agenda, you are oppressing minorities and the suffering masses who are enduring crippling mental and emotional illnesses.
Shame on you!
We are not ideologues or mental patients, rather radicals for radical social change, and radical social justice, applied radically, and in a radical fashion, and for purely radical reasons. We resent being called radical, especially considering our hard work in bringing about radical social change. We demand an end to rightwing extremism and microaggressions and patriarchal bullying!
As soon as we, the communists, smash the extremists and reactionaries (and other counter-revolutionaries), who fight against the greater common good and the radical struggle for radical social change, the quicker we can train the common workers to accept our glorious and heroic new standards for global citizenship in the 21st Century, minus white privilege and the tyranny of freedom.
Fortunately, our Trotskyite neocon friends assist in our social welfare endeavors and our internationalist goals. We, the fascists, are working tirelessly to divide the people in order to bring about the fundamental transformation necessary for the New World Order. Oh yes, we really believe in this crap. We’re going to change the world! And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
Nancy Pelosi & The Democrats, et al.